Kindrachuk Dobson, Lawyers & Mediators - Lloydminster, Alberta » Ask the Experts

January is “International Child-Centred Divorce Month”

stephanie — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 07:35:50 +0000

Although the month of January is coming to a close very quickly, it still bears bringing to light the fact that January is International Child-Centered Divorce Month. It was started by Rosalind Sedacca in theUSA who wanted to bring together divorce professionals who would focus one month of the year on providing local educational events, discussion groups, and other activities for divorcing parents and those contemplating divorce. InLloydminster, we don’t have any such events, but this article is my way to participate in a small way in the movement.

I thought I would share Rosalind Sedacca’s list of the “10 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make Affecting Their Children After Divorce”, with which I agree wholeheartedly:

Fighting in front of the children: studies show this does the most damaging
Failing to remind children that none of this is in any way their fault – they are innocent
Forgetting to emphasize that Mom and Dad will still always be their Mom and Dad — even after divorce!
Confiding adult details to children in order to attract their allegiance or sympathy; this creates guilt and confusion within kids because they’re not prepared to handle it.
Asking children to bear the weight of making decisions or choosing sides.
Using your children as spies to provide you information about your ex.
Using your children as intermediaries: providing messages, answering questions and communicating with your ex in your absence.
Putting down, disrespecting or in any way alienating the other parent: devastating, confusing – makes them feel guilty for loving their other parent.
Lying to the children to justify decisions you made that disrespect their other parent: they’ll resent you when they are grown adults.
Neglecting to repeatedly remind children that they are safe, innocent and very much loved.

I encourage you to visit www.childcentereddivorce.com for some more tips on putting your kids first during your divorce transition and beyond.

Do you agree with this list? Have you made any of these mistakes? Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet. I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on our website.

I want to leave my spouse, but I don’t know what I need to consider first. Please help!

stephanie — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 07:18:14 +0000

You are in the right frame of mind. If you are thinking of leaving, and aren’t sure of your next steps, it doesn’t hurt to do some research. I highly recommend that your first stop be to seek the advice of a divorce professional. This may seem self-promoting, but there’s a reason for it. In my practice, I provide initial consultations with no obligation to retain my services. This consultation may be used as a way to figure out what you need to be thinking about when you actually decide to leave the relationship. You can use this appointment to ask questions, and to tell the divorce professional your situation.

The direction that you will ultimately need to take will depend critically on your particular circumstances. This is why it can be quite dangerous and misleading to get your information from the Internet, books, friends, co-workers, other family members, or other sources which do not necessarily apply the law to your situation. A one-hour consultation with a divorce professional is designed to allow you to get customized advice based on your needs. It will also give you information on the process choices you may have available to you to proceed ultimately with your divorce (e.g. mediation, Collaborative Process, court, etc.).

You should come to the meeting prepared. Write down your questions that you want to ask. Have someone come with you to help take notes if you need (talk to the professional about their policy around this first). Take the time to complete the questionnaire as requested so that the professional can assess your situation as best as possible within your consultation time frame. The more you prepare, the more you will get out of the meeting.

Please be assured that this advice is not intended to encourage you to strategize and conspire before you leave your spouse. It is intended for you to equip yourself with the best information possible so that you can make informed choices that will be in your family’s best interest. Without a plan, you will be left to impulsive decisions at critical times which will be most likely based on emotion. We know where intense emotions can get us…

Did a consultation help you? Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet. I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on www.kindrachukdobson.com.

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Why is a Detailed Parenting Plan So Important?

stephanie — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 18:00:29 +0000

When I am facilitating the Parenting After Separation seminar, one of the goals of the course is to teach parents the importance of creating a detailed parenting plan for how they will parent their children post-separation and divorce. I thought I would reiterate this importance.

Usually, the goal of creating a parenting plan is to come together with the other parent to make a plan which will allow flexibility and adaptability to the changing needs of your children. As their needs change, so too should your willingness to alter your original “plan”. A judge can also impose a parenting plan, but that’s not what this article focuses on.

In a detail parent-made parenting plan, you are able to be very detailed and really think thru how decisions will be made about the kids instead of simply saying “joint decision-making on major decisions”. What types of decisions will be joint? What can be decided by one parent alone? Who may communicate with 3^rd party professionals as it relates to the kids’ welfare? What if one of you wants to move away? Or just go traveling with the kids?

Then there’s the other “stuff” which you may not otherwise think about – how will you resolve disagreements if you can’t DIY? What are the guidelines around disciplining the kids? Safety and supervision of the kids? Are there any travel restrictions on the kids? How will relationships with extended families be maintained?

Many parents who come to me to develop a parenting plan have never thought of these types of questions. “My my… that’s a lot of detail” they say. When I help parents develop their plan, I encourage at least the contemplation of these types of questions. It’s up to you as to your level of detail, but I recommend discussing as much as possible about parenting your kids post-separation to avoid opportunities for conflict later.

More ideas are contained in the PAS participant’s manual which can be found online at: http://tinyurl.com/cx79jzf.

How detailed is your parenting plan? Is it useful? Has it avoided conflict for you? Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet. I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on our website.

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Give Your Children The Gift of A Conflict-Free Christmas

stephanie — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 17:58:41 +0000

I am writing a follow-up to the letter to the Editor in the Booster on November 25, 2011. Gary Direnfeld, a social worker fromOntario, wrote that all the kids want for Christmas is freedom from conflict – a gift that will last a lifetime. Wouldn’t that be a special gift for your children?

When parents talk about how they will share holidays and special occasions, many parents express that they simply want to “share holidays by mutual agreement”, leaving the exact allocation of time to a discussion closer to the actual holiday. Let me tell ya… there’s a reason why I and many family lawyers/mediators discourage this level of generality. It is not unusual for family lawyers to get numerous panic-ridden calls in December about holiday plans gone wrong.

For the Christmas holiday, as well as other holidays or special days throughout the year, PLAN PLAN PLAN. When you’re figuring out what the regular schedule is, why not define what “Christmas” sharing would look like. Does it mean the entire 2-week school holiday? Does it mean December 23^rd to the 26^th? Some parents will alternate years, for instance, however you define “Christmas”, maybe mom will have the first ½ in even years, and dad will have the first ½ in odd years. You should define all holidays and special occasions throughout the year in this manner. Does Easter extend to Monday, or just to Sunday?

Why not plan all of this in advance, effectively avoiding the discussion, and the potential for conflict. If you are unable to plan in this manner, I recommend that you set a date at least 1 ½ months before the particular holiday to talk with your ex so that if there is a conflict about time allocation, you know early enough to figure a way to solve it before the week of.

If a conflict does arise, which turns into a power struggle of sorts, just remember… you will get what you give. If you give reasonable flexibility when requested, you will likely receive the same flexibility in return. Hey… if you don’t, you’ll know for next time that you need to be a bit more stringent. This is human nature.

Did you plan for the holidays early? Did your kids appreciate the advance notice? How did you deal with conflict that arose? Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet. I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on www.kindrachukdobson.com.

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As a step-parent, do I have a right to spend time with my step-kids after divorce?

stephanie — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 07:12:08 +0000

By agreement between you and your former spouse, you have a right to enter into a parenting arrangement with biological kids and/or step-kids.

If you and your former spouse cannot agree, you may make an application to Court to ask for time with your step-kids. If you are unmarried and the kids reside in Alberta, you may apply to Court under the provisions of the Family Law Act called “contact time”. This is designed for anyone who believes that they have a right to spend time with kids who is not a legal guardian of the kids. In fact, this is the same provision that grandparents, extended family, etc. would apply under to spend time with kids. If you are married, the Court would deal with your application simply under the Divorce Act which does not have a specific heading for your application as Alberta does, but they can deal with it by the general provisions of the Act by considering you to be “standing in the place of a parent”.

One consideration you will want to keep in mind is that in most cases the other biological parent will likely have priority in terms of time with the kids – if you are step-dad, biological dad will likely have priority and if you are step-mom, biological mom will likely have priority.

Of course, along with spending time with the step-kids comes child support. As the song goes “You Can’t Have One Without the Other”.

The most important consideration is the kids and how they are handling the separation. If you are seeking time with them after you separate, you were likely a significant part of their lives. Deep down, they will likely want to maintain that relationship. You and your former spouse should be on the same page as to what your relationship with them will look like after you separate. Especially if you have kids together with your former spouse, and you have step-kids, make all the kids feel loved and “wanted” during the separation. Keep in touch with all the kids’ feelings as you move through the transition into separation and divorce. It really is all about them.

How has your relationship with your step-kids been post-divorce? Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet. I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on www.kindrachukdobson.com.

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What happens to my Canada Pension Plan when I separate from my spouse?

stephanie — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 07:38:48 +0000

While you are working, you will acquire CPP credits to you as an individual. Similarly, your working spouse will accumulate CPP credits. The number of credits you receive is based on your income level. These credits are considered to be assets when you and your spouse separate. Just like your vehicle or your house, these CPP credits may be split between you and your former spouse.

You will be eligible for a credit split if:

1. You are divorced (no time limit for applying)
2. You are married, have lived together for at least 1 year, and have lived apart for at least 1 year (no time limit on applying unless your spouse dies)
3. You were in a conjugal relationship for at least one year, and have been living apart for at least one year (you must apply within 4 years of separating)

You may want to consider applying for a credit split if one spouse stayed out of the workforce for a number of years during your relationship. The credits accumulated during your relationship will be distributed evenly between each spouse. The lower income earner will receive some of the higher income earner’s credits, thereby increasing the CPP cheque that the lower income earner would be entitled to receive.

You may deal with this issue within a separation agreement – you may agree that you want to split your credits, or you may agree that you want to waive this right.

To apply for this CPP credit split, you may obtain an application form from the CPP website at: www.hrsdc.gc.ca.

Would you want to divide your CPP credits on separation / divorce? Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet. I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on www.kindrachukdobson.com.

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How Do I Break the News To My Kids About Our Divorce?

stephanie — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 07:01:49 +0000

It is going to be difficult to tell your kids that their parents are divorcing. How you tell them, and how you help them deal with their emotions in the aftermath of breaking the news is very important to consider.

Here are some tips on breaking the news:

Show that you are unified – if you can keep the conflict at bay, sit down together with your kids to tell them about the news as a family. Your kids should know that you are both there for them, and will continue to both be involved as their parents.

Have a clear plan as to what is going to happen – while it’s important to tell the kids as early as possible, it is best to have at least a temporary plan as to where the kids and each parent will live, where they will go to school, etc. Plan what you will say and how you will say it.

Reassure your kids that you love them – this is the big one that the kids want to know!

Do not fight in front of your kids – continuing the cycle of conflict will do more damage to your kids than the divorce itself.

Do your research – read books, meet with a mediator or collaborative lawyer, consult a psychologist. Find out the best way to support your kids as you move forward.

Be honest – never lie to your kids, but be age appropriate

Invite them to ask questions – listen to what they are telling you, either verbally or non-verbally. Recognize their cues that tell you when they are struggling to deal with the situation.

Keep your kids out of the middle – certainly the most important advice – do not use your kids as a bargaining tool by withholding parenting time, support, or talking badly about the other parent are definitely actions which will cause your children great stress through the divorce.

Tell me your story about how you told your kids and how it went. I want to hear from you. Send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet. Find archives of my articles on www.kindrachukdobson.com.

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I’ve decided to use the Collaborative Process for my divorce. What do the 4-Way Meetings Look Like?

stephanie — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 07:10:21 +0000

First things first… CONGRATULATIONS on choosing a process that is going to put your children in the centre, instead of in the middle.

As you likely know, the Collaborative Process is based on the idea that all of your discussions about your separation and divorce will occur within the context of “4-way meetings”. Here is your cheat sheet about the Process.

Who: Usually it’s only you, your spouse, and each lawyer. If everyone consents, others may join the meetings such as professional advisors or family members. The separating spouses are responsible for determining the outcomes, and the lawyers are responsible for managing the process and establishing an environment conducive to good communication.

When: Meetings are set based on all 4 parties’ schedules. They may be set every couple weeks or every couple of months depending on the parties. We average between 3-6 meetings, based on the number of issues and the level of conflict.

Where: Usually you will alternate between each lawyer’s boardroom.

What: This is what we do during the meetings:

Review and sign Participation Agreement
Identify what’s important to each party
Identify issues and prioritize
Gather information
Lawyers provide legal advice
Generate and weigh options for resolution
Achieve resolution
Lawyers draft the final agreement and the divorce papers

One suggestion – don’t worry too much about how the process works. Your Collaborative lawyer’s job is to walk you through the process. Just worry about whether it’s the right process for you. Have a look at our archived articles on our website to learn more about the process, or go to www.collaborativepractice.ca.

Share your stories with me how did the Collaborative Process work for you? Were you pleased with your choice? Send me an email at Stephanie@kindrachukdobson.com or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet. I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on www.kindrachukdobson.com.

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How can I reduce the stress and emotions that always seems to go along with separation and divorce?

stephanie — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 07:46:27 +0000

As we lead into the holidays, it always seems as though there is a surge in phone calls at my office for consultations. No matter what the reason, or when separations occur, it is likely going to be an emotionally stressful time for families.

There are ways to reduce the trauma and stress that families going through divorce experience. Here are my top 3 tips for divorcing with a more positive focus.

1. Divorce does not have to be “win-lose”
Approach your divorce with a focus on your financial needs and objectives and as a process where you are bringing a workable ending to a partnership. This will help lay the foundation for both parties to be able to move on. You will find that in the end your divorce will be less expensive and with less anxiety and fear than typically experienced in a traditional adversarial divorce.

2. Lawyers and other advisors should not make your decisions
There are divorce processes available that empower separating couples and facilitates sound decisions. Talk to a Collaboratively-trained family law lawyer (www.collaborativepractice.ca) or a family mediator (www.afms.ca); I am trained in both Processes.

3. Consider your divorce a transition – not an end
Move through the divorce process as an empowered decision-maker with the goal of transitioning to the next phase of your life. Divorce is about new beginnings.

There is never a perfect time to divorce. Divorce is never easy, but it is possible to navigate the tough emotional and financial challenges in a way that can help you transition to the next phase of your life.

How are you managing to get through the emotional component of your divorce? Share your stories with me – send me an email at Stephanie@kindrachukdobson.com or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet. I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on www.kindrachukdobson.com.

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News Flash: Finances are a Top Concern for Divorcing Couples

stephanie — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 22:23:36 +0000

Is this news to you? I just read about a recent survey conducted by BMO in August 2011 of Canadians going thru divorce suggesting that financial security over the short- and long-term are of primary concern when deciding whether to split from their spouse.

The top 3 concerns were: the family home (53%), pensions (17%) and investments (13%).

When I see these numbers, I am not surprised in the least. Going from two incomes to support one household to two incomes to support two households is obviously going to put a significant amount of strain on the family resources. Most clients anticipate the emotional upheaval that they will undergo, but they underestimate the financial strain that it will cause their family.

The best advice I can give is to ensure that you have done your research before you start anything. If you are separating or already separated, don’t immediately spiral into the high conflict setting that can have significant negative long-term effects for you and your kids. Look into the different ways that you can transition into your post-separation life – do you want the DIY option? Can you and your spouse sit down with a mediator? Do you want to have a lawyer represent you, but avoid court (Collaborative Process)? Or maybe the best option for you is to fight the big fight. I don’t know your personal situation. What I do know is that most people jump the gun in assuming that they need to get a lawyer and go to court.

Do your research! This is the best way to move down the path of ensuring that your financial concerns for the future can be addressed, and the best option for your family can be chosen. Once you have a bit of information under your belt, then choose a professional who will assist you to move through your separation in the way that best suits you. Don’t let a professional tell you how your divorce will go – you need to stay in control of your own outcome!

Did you do your research before starting your divorce? Share your stories with me – send me an email at Stephanie@kindrachukdobson.com or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet. I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on www.kindrachukdobson.com.