Collaborative Family Law is a structured process which offers families an alternative to court in resolving their family dispute.  It allows parties to focus on what is important to them and to their families in order to reach an acceptable solution.  Parties effectively reduce their conflict and get to a resolution much faster than in a litigated settlement.

At the start of the process both parties and their lawyers sign a Participation Agreement committing to establish an open and cooperative environment while maintaining confidentiality.  The parties and their lawyers form a core team, working together in 4-way meetings to address and creatively resolve any matters affecting the family.  This process works well for parties who want to work together with their ex to resolve their issues, but also want their lawyer there to guide them and provide legal advice along the way to agreement.

Often, the team will seek the expertise of independent 3^rd parties such as therapists, financial advisors, accountants, coaches, and others who remain neutral while advising both parties.

By choosing the Collaborative Process, families are choosing to resolve their dispute in a dignified and respectful manner.

Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet.  I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on our website.

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The idea is that parents will sign on with a parenting coordinator (PC) for at least 2 years during which time they have full access to their PC anytime they need (almost – don’t think you’re getting a reply email at 2 a.m.!), on very short notice, for any conflict that has come up between you and your ex.

For instance, it is Wednesday before the Easter weekend, and you thought it was clear in your agreement as to how Easter weekend would be shared, but in fact your ex has a different interpretation of the agreement.  What do you do?  It’s in 2 days.  Call your lawyer? You’ll never get an appointment, much less a resolution.  Call a mediator? You won’t get a consultation before that time? Try to talk to the other parent? The conflict will probably escalate.

Instead, call your PC who is already retained and ready for your call when you need the assistance.  You would set up either a phone conference or an in-person meeting to resolve your situation on the spot.  The big difference between any other form of dispute resolution and parenting coordination is this – your PC will work with you in a mediation setting to try to assist you and your ex to arrive at your own resolution.  If it becomes clear that this will not happen within the available timeframe, then the PC has the authority to arbitrate the situation – meaning that the PC will make the decision for you as a judge would after hearing both of your perspectives.  All of a sudden, your Easter weekend plans are now sorted out, and you can carry on.

This service can be invaluable to parents who believe that there may be conflict between mom and dad into the future, even once the written document has been finalized.  Imagine, having a professional basically on-call to assist you to resolve any conflicts that arise – if you don`t need the service, then it doesn`t cost you a dime … priceless!

What do you think of the idea of parenting coordination? Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet.  I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on our website.

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The first Wednesday in February (this year it was Feb 6^th) is Family Mediation Day in Canada as designated by Family Mediation Canada.  It’s a day to celebrate family mediation and the benefits that it brings to families going through separation and divorce.  Since we didn’t have an article coming out on that day, you’ll have to accept this article as a Happy Belated Family Mediation Day.

Have you considered the option of Family Mediation to assist you and your former spouse to resolve your separation or divorce issues? It may be of interest to you if you answer “yes” to any or all of the following:

1. I want to have control over the decisions that my former spouse and I make
2. I want to resolve my issues quickly
3. I want us to both come out as “winners” rather than there being a “winner” and a “loser”
4. I want to maintain or improve communication with my former spouse

In short, as a family mediator I will facilitate the discussion between you and your former spouse with a view to arriving at a mutually acceptable solution to your separation and divorce issues.  You may have your lawyers in the room, but usually parties decide to forego the lawyers.  At the end of the mediation, you will be provided with a Mediation Report which should be taken to a lawyer to be placed in a legally-binding format.

Have you tried family mediation? Was it successful? Did you realize some or all of the above benefits? Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet.  I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on our website.

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I thought I would share Rosalind Sedacca’s list of the “10 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make Affecting Their Children After Divorce”, with which I agree wholeheartedly:

1. Fighting in front of the children: studies show this does the most damaging
2. Failing to remind children that none of this is in any way their fault – they are innocent
3. Forgetting to emphasize that Mom and Dad will still always be their Mom and Dad — even after divorce!
4. Confiding adult details to children in order to attract their allegiance or sympathy; this creates guilt and confusion within kids because they’re not prepared to handle it.
5. Asking children to bear the weight of making decisions or choosing sides.
6. Using your children as spies to provide you information about your ex.
7. Using your children as intermediaries: providing messages, answering questions and communicating with your ex in your absence.
8. Putting down, disrespecting or in any way alienating the other parent: devastating, confusing – makes them feel guilty for loving their other parent.
9. Lying to the children to justify decisions you made that disrespect their other parent: they’ll resent you when they are grown adults.
10. Neglecting to repeatedly remind children that they are safe, innocent and very much loved.

I encourage you to visit www.childcentereddivorce.com for some more tips on putting your kids first during your divorce transition and beyond.

Do you agree with this list?  Have you made any of these mistakes? Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet.  I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on our website.

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The direction that you will ultimately need to take will depend critically on your particular circumstances.  This is why it can be quite dangerous and misleading to get your information from the Internet, books, friends, co-workers, other family members, or other sources which do not necessarily apply the law to your situation.  A one-hour consultation with a divorce professional is designed to allow you to get customized advice based on your needs.  It will also give you information on the process choices you may have available to you to proceed ultimately with your divorce (e.g. mediation, Collaborative Process, court, etc.).

You should come to the meeting prepared.  Write down your questions that you want to ask.  Have someone come with you to help take notes if you need (talk to the professional about their policy around this first).  Take the time to complete the questionnaire as requested so that the professional can assess your situation as best as possible within your consultation time frame.  The more you prepare, the more you will get out of the meeting.

Please be assured that this advice is not intended to encourage you to strategize and conspire before you leave your spouse.  It is intended for you to equip yourself with the best information possible so that you can make informed choices that will be in your family’s best interest.  Without a plan, you will be left to impulsive decisions at critical times which will be most likely based on emotion.  We know where intense emotions can get us…

Did a consultation help you? Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet.  I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on www.kindrachukdobson.com.

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When parents talk about how they will share holidays and special occasions, many parents express that they simply want to “share holidays by mutual agreement”, leaving the exact allocation of time to a discussion closer to the actual holiday.  Let me tell ya… there’s a reason why I and many family lawyers/mediators discourage this level of generality.  It is not unusual for family lawyers to get numerous panic-ridden calls in December about holiday plans gone wrong.

For the Christmas holiday, as well as other holidays or special days throughout the year, PLAN PLAN PLAN.  When you’re figuring out what the regular schedule is, why not define what “Christmas” sharing would look like.  Does it mean the entire 2-week school holiday? Does it mean December 23^rd to the 26^th? Some parents will alternate years – for instance, maybe mom will have the first ½ of the defined holiday in even years, and dad will have the first ½ in odd years.  You should define all holidays and special occasions throughout the year in this manner.  Does Easter extend to Monday, or just to Sunday?

Why not plan all of this in advance, effectively avoiding the discussion, and the potential for conflict.  If you are unable to plan in this manner, I recommend that you set a date at least 1 ½ months before the particular holiday to talk with your ex so that if there is a conflict about time allocation, you know early enough to figure a way to solve it before the week of.

If a conflict does arise, which turns into a power struggle of sorts, just remember… you will get what you give.  If you give reasonable flexibility when requested, you will likely receive the same flexibility in return.  Hey… if you don’t, you’ll know for next time that you need to be a bit more stringent.  This is human nature.

Did you plan for the holidays early? Did your kids appreciate the advance notice? How did you deal with conflict that arose? Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet.  I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on www.kindrachukdobson.com

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Technically, you only need this form for travel outside ofCanada.  If you want to do it yourself, you can go on the Transport Canada website and they have a form for you to complete – or simply type into Google (or any search engine) the phrase “Consent to TravelCanada” and a form will come up in the search.  You can fill it out yourself with all the relevant details, but you need it to be notarized or commissioned to make it valid.

What details should you have? Such things as: your name, the non-travelling parent’s name, the full name / birthdate of all kids who will be travelling, your itinerary (date of departure / return, location of departure / return / any stops along the way), and extend the consent to providing of medical treatment if necessary.

If you want to have it done for you (it’s relatively inexpensive and quick), you can contact most any law office and ask for them to get a Consent to Travel ready for you, and the non-travelling parent can just go in to sign.

The ultimate question always becomes – what if I don’t take this form along with me? Well… do you want to be the one to tell your kids that they’re not going to Disney World when they’re standing at the airport?

Do you have a story about your experience travelling without one of these forms? Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet.  I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on www.kindrachukdobson.com.

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FINANCIAL ELIGIBILITY: In both provinces, you must contact the regional legal aid office to apply for assistance from a legal aid lawyer. Each province will screen its applicants for financial eligibility. In Alberta, you will be screened based on your income. In Saskatchewan, you will be screened based on both your income and your assets.

LAWYER QUALIFICATIONS: In both provinces, legal aid lawyers are all qualified lawyers who graduated from law school, just the same as lawyers who are privately retained. In Alberta, most legal aid lawyers are in private practice and have agreed to take on legal aid clients in addition to their existing client base. In Saskatchewan, legal aid lawyers are employed by the Legal Aid Commission and exclusively take on legal aid clients. Their qualifications are the same in each province, it’s the way they are employed that is different.

COST: Legal aid may not be “free”. In Alberta, you will be asked to repay the costs of your legal representation. In Saskatchewan, you may be asked to repay some or all of the costs of your legal representation.

For more information check out: www.legalaid.ab.ca (Alberta) or www.legalaid.sk.ca (Saskatchewan).

Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet.  I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on our website.

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How can you help your child? Here are some of the many ways:

Firstly, ask them what they need from you.  Ask them how their relationship will be with their ex during the separation – will it be amicable, nasty, or somewhere in the middle? If it’s to be amicable, then avoid criticising the ex.  Your child will tell you how involved they want you to be – a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen, or the voice of reason / objectivity.

Secondly, avoid talking negatively about your child’s ex in front of your grandkids.  The ex is still the kids’ parent.  They deserve to maintain a healthy relationship with the other parent. 

Thirdly, be the positive part of the “Greek chorus”.  I call the circle of influence surrounding a divorcing individual the “Greek chorus”.  This would be anyone who would talk to the divorcee about what is happening, and helping them to figure out how to proceed and what decisions to make.  I encourage my clients to choose their Greek chorus wisely, and to eliminate anyone who will provide them with advise which will take them in a direction that they wish to avoid.  You know the ones – those who have been thru a nasty divorce, and who want to tell you everything you “take” regardless of the fact that you want to work together towards a resolution.

How did you help your adult child thru their divorce? Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet.  I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on our website.

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Legally speaking, the two concepts – support and parenting time – are separate issues.

The amount of child support one parent must pay to the other is based on the Child Support Guidelines which talks about support being based on where the kids live, the parents’ income, the amount of time the children spend with each parent, etc. Even if one parent rarely or never sees the children, child support is still required to be paid. The amount of parenting time each parent has is either based upon agreement, or is ordered by the court. The terms of the agreement or the court order must be followed regardless of whether child support is being paid properly.

One last piece of advice – come to court with “clean hands”. If the other parent refuses to pay support, and you withhold parenting time as “punishment”, the court will not like to hear that parenting time is being denied. Beware.

Share your stories with me – send me an email or follow me on Twitter at @stephaniecollab and send me a tweet.  I want to hear from you! Find archives of my articles on our website.